FOOL!: A Sherlock HolmesSoul Eater Parody
by SayuriTsukiko
Summary: In episode 17 of Soul Eater, Excalibur claims to have 'assisted and lived with' Holmes. He also claims to be more intelligent...we all know this is bull. So what if they actually met? Expect a very angry Holmes and an amused Watson.
1. Get That Thing Out of My Room Watson!

"WATSON! _WATSON!"_

The Doctor sighed. Holmes had been yelling for him for nearly an hour now. He really didn't want to get up from his seat at the kitchen table because he simply could not be bothered to deal with the detective's shenanigans today. In the past week, there had been three occasions where Holmes' had yelled for Watson's help.

On the first occasion, the good doctor had found Holmes with his hair on fire and his eyebrows singed off after a chemical experiment had gone wrong. Watson had thrown bucket of what had at first appeared to be water, over his friend. It wasn't water. It was Gladstone's urine. Apparently Holmes' had wanted to analyse it.

On the second occasion he had found him with Gladstone clamped around his arm. The detective had been trying to feed him a sedative, but the dog wouldn't eat his dog food…

The third time had been a bit more…embarrassing. After a visit from Miss Adler, Watson had found his friend in a rather scandalous position which involved a lot of rope and a lot of sedatives.

So Watson wasn't in any particular hurry to see what his friend wanted.

"WATSON!" roared Holmes.

" Doctor, please, _please_, go and see what he wants. Otherwise he'll bring the house down!" pleaded Mrs Hudson.

With an annoyed sigh, Watson folded up the newspaper he was reading and slapped it on to the kitchen table.

"Oh all right. But only because he's giving me a headache. Really, what on earth can be so pressing that he needs to yell that loudly?"

Watson left the kitchen and began to walk up the stairs at a leisurely pace.

"GOD DAMMIT WATSON!"

"I'll be there in a minute old boy!"

Watson reached the door to Holmes' room. He sighed and then opened it, slightly worried about what he would find inside. He peeped his head round the door.

Holmes seemed to be fine, apart from the horrified look on his face and the pale complexion that had appeared there. But this wasn't as bad a condition as he usually found his friend in, he was not tied up or on fire. Surely this was a good sign…

"You all right?" Watson asked with a grin.

"No I am _not_ Watson. Look!" snarled Holmes', and he pointed to a spot which Watson could not see unless he actually entered the room. Watson walked in.

"Really old boy, I can't see why you're yelling so loudly. There doesn't appear to be anything-"

The doctor stopped dead in his tracks. His eyes widened in surprise. There was…a _creature_ of some sort in the room. It was hard to describe, even in his own head, what the creature looked like. It was…just so absolutely absurd.

The creature was completely snow white. There was not a speck of colour on…_it_, anywhere. It had a long, white snout and was, rather strangely dressed in a white waistcoat and top hat. It also carried a long white cane, which it was swinging around with careless abandon. It wasn't wearing trousers though, which, Watson thought, was odd. Why wear a waistcoat and top hat, but not trousers?

Watson realised that this fact was probably the least of his worries when it came to the strangeness of the creature. After all, why should such an odd creature even wear trousers in the first place?

"Holmes? What the devil is-"

"FOOL!" shouted the creature, pointing his cane at Watson.

"I'm sorry?" Watson replied, rather taken aback.

"Do you know who I am?" asked the creature, swinging its cane around its head.

"Er…well that's why I was going to ask-" but Watson was interrupted again before he could finish.

"FOOL!" shouted the creature again, it was now jabbing its cane into the doctors chest. "I am the legendary sword Excalibur!" The creature struck a triumphant pose.

Holmes groaned inwardly and Watson shot him a look.

"But you're not a sword." said Watson, with a frown.

"FOOL! I change into one! Do you know nothing?"

"I-"

"Do you know what my favourite type of meat is?" asked Excalibur.

"Er...chicken?"

"FOOL! I like tofu."

"THAT IS NOT A MEAT! IT IS BEAN CURD!" roared Holmes furiously. "WATSON!"

"There's really no need to shout old boy." Watson chuckled. Although he could see that there _was_ a need to shout. The creature was really quite irritating.

"YES THERE IS!"

"Please calm down Holmes. You're giving me a headache."

Holmes took a deep breath, and then he counted to ten.

"Help me get this…this…_thing_ out of my room! He's been informing me since he arrived that I'm a 'fool' and that I am not as logically minded as he is!" hissed Holmes furiously.

"Has he indeed? Do you think he's had a conversation with Miss Adler?" laughed Watson.

Holmes had not been listening properly, for he said, "Yes he has, he-" then he stopped and frowned. "Wait…what was that last bit?"

"What last bit?" Watson replied innocently.

"The last bit about…about Ire- I mean _Miss Adler_! What the devil do you mean by it Watson?"

"Well, I only thought that because he thinks you're a complete idiot, even though he's never met you before, that he might have met Miss Adler. After all, why on earth would he think that? Unless of course he had met the only adversary who ever outsmarted you…twice." Watson said with a grin.

Holmes opened and closed his mouth several times. He appeared to be speechless. Then he found his voice again.

"_Shut up Watson_!"

"Really old boy, there's no need to be childish. It was only a suggestion."

Holmes was about to reply to this, but before he could, there was a cry of, "FOOLS!", again. The detective and the doctor both winced.


	2. How To Get Rid Of A Legendary Weapon

**Not as happy with this Chapter…oh well, enjoy it anyway. **

* * *

Sherlock Holmes seized Watson's arm and dragged him out of the room, closing the door behind him. Holmes was not a happy man. He was very close to strangling that idiotic creature in his room with his bare hands.

"Holmes, you're hurting my arm. _Let go._" snapped Watson. The doctor wrenched his arm away from the detective and then rubbed it. "You really-"

"Watson, how are we going to get rid of that thing?" Holmes interrupted. He began to pace back and forth. His brow was furrowed in concentration as he began to think of the many ways in which they could dispose of the creature.

"We could set him on fire." suggested the detective.

"Holmes!" Watson looked absolutely disgusted with his friend…not that _that_ was anything new.

"How about we push him off a bridge?"

"Holmes, you really are-"

"Perhaps some of my chemicals?"

"_Holmes!"_

"I have some more, how shall I put it? More, _deadlier, _chemicals that I require a test subject for. I'm unwilling to use them on Gladstone you see."

"Holmes, you can't just…Wait...what was that about Gladstone?" asked Watson, the suspicious tone evident in his voice.

"Don't get angry old boy. I wasn't going to-"

"But the fact that you even _considered_-"

"That's not really relevant-"

"Stop experimenting on my dog Holmes!" Watson snapped.

"_Our _dog, Watson, _our _dog." Holmes corrected.

"I bought him Holmes!"

"No you didn't, you won him in a game of cards."

"That's not the point! He's still my dog!"

At this point, the door to Holmes' room was flung open. Excalibur flew out of the room with a slight twirl, causing both Holmes and Watson to twitch with irritation.

"FOOLS!" bellowed the weapon. "Don't you know that it is impolite to abandon a guest?"

"You are _not_ a guest, you are an intruder!" Holmes hissed. "Keep your voice down you wretched thing, you'll attract Nanny's atten-"

"FOOL!" shouted Excalibur. Holmes let out a roar of frustration and drew his fist back in order to hit…_it._ Watson caught his arm and held it back.

"Don't Holmes!"

"Just one punch Watson! Let me hit him!"

"No Holmes! If you don't stop struggling, I'll-"

"You'll _what _Watson? Hmmm. You'll do _what _exactly?"

There was a short pause as Watson struggled to think of something that he could use to threaten his friend. Then a smug look appeared on his face.

"Stop struggling Holmes, or I will throw Miss Adler's photograph out of the window _and _I shall let Excalibur have my old room."

The detective froze, he looked absolutely horrified, although it wasn't certain which threat he was more horrified by.

"You wouldn't…"he said hoarsely,

"I would."

Holmes immediately stopped trying to punch Excalibur. He then ran to Watson's old room and locked it with a key that he had in his pocket. Then he ran to his own room and hid Irene's photograph underneath the waistcoat that he was wearing. Watson, who had entered Holmes' room again, accompanied by Excalibur, sat down and laughed at him.

"_Shut up Watson!"_ snapped the detective fiercely.

"FOOLS! Did you know that you can use me as a weapon?" the weapon was evidently displeased with the fact that there attention was no longer focused on him.

"Why on earth would we want to do that?" asked Watson, whilst raising one eyebrow.

"Because I am the most powerful weapon in the world! I can give you glory and the ability to fly!"

"Fly? How-"

"WINGS!" shouted Excalibur.

"Hmmm, wings." muttered Holmes.

Watson looked horrified. "Holmes, think of what comes with it." He pointed at Excalibur.

"Good point. But haven't you ever wondered what it would be like to fly?" he replied, wistfully.

Watson sighed and rolled his eyes.


	3. Death By Umbrella

**First of all, I'm sorry it's taken so long to update. _ Guess I've kind of neglected this haven't I? Sorry.**

**Also thank you to Ryuus2 for giving me the idea of Excalibur 'wooing' Mary and Irene, I've changed the idea a little, mostly because it was funnier, but still you gave me the idea so thank you. **

**The tasks mentioned are also actual ones requested by Excalibur. :)**

* * *

"FOOLS!"

Watson scowled and looked down at the annoying creature stood next to him who was once again swinging its cane round and round.

"If you want the ability to fly and for me to become your weapon you must perform a thousand tasks for me," Excalibur stated.

Watson gave the thing an incredulous look. "_A thousand tasks? _How on ear-"

"FOOL!" Excalibur shouted again, jabbing his cane into Watson's chest. "I will tell you some of these tasks! Always place a dehumidifier in your room!"

"A de what?" asked Holmes.

"FOOL! _Never _talk to me while I'm humming to myself!"

"But you _weren't-_"

"FOOL! You must praise me at all times!"

"I don't think it's possible that there's anything to praise," snapped Watson.

"FOOL! Only the finest toilet is acceptable!"

"GO TO A HOTEL THEN!" Holmes bellowed, whilst simultaneously pulling at his own hair in frustration.

Excalibur ignored this and continued. "You must also attend my five hour story telling party."

"Five hours! Five hours! I can't even stand five seconds of you! You despicably annoying excuse for a living creature!" Holmes shouted.

Outside it had started to rain, and neither of the three had noticed and did not notice until the sound of a loud rumble thunder permeated the air. At which point the door to Holmes' room was opened and Irene Adler herself sauntered in with a huge smile on her face and holding a large closed umbrella in her right hand.

"Hello Sherlock! Oh and the Doctor too, how nice!"

"Hullo Irene," said Watson, almost cheerfully, he would have sounded more cheerful if it hadn't been for Excalibur's continued presence. "D'you want some tea?"

"Yes please," Irene replied, with a worried glance in Holmes' direction, who, upon her entry to the room, had sat down at his desk and put his head upon it, making a little noise of distress.

"Oh don't worry about him, he's getting too annoyed with…_that thing_," said Watson in exasperation, gesturing towards Excalibur.

"What the hell-" Irene began, but was interrupted because Excalibur had bounded over to her and taken her left hand in his own.

"FOOL! I am Excalibur! What a pleasure it is to have such a beautiful creature like yourself joining us for my five hour story party!" And with that Excalibur kissed Irene's hand.

Her reply was to give him a brutal whack around the head with her umbrella.

"Touch me like that again you weird little thing and I will stick this," she brandished the umbrella again, "somewhere _incredibly _uncomfortable…if you in fact have such a place. Also calling a lady a fool is not the best line to start with!"

Watson laughed and Holmes exclaimed cheerfully, "Brilliant!"

"He's been annoying us all day," Watson explained, "we can't seem to work out how to get rid of him."

"I suggest we _drown _him, Holmes snarled.

"I second that," agreed Irene.

"We can't kill him," argued Watson.

"Why not?" replied Holmes and Irene in unison.

"Because it's murder that's why, no matter how annoying he is!"

There was a sound of footsteps outside and Holmes let out a little frustrated cry.

"What _now_?" he growled.

A very soaked looking Mary Morstan walked through the open door to the room, looking rather miserable.

"John, it's hammering it down out there, I didn't have my umbrella with me…gosh I'm soaked through…" she said, looking down at her dress.

Before Watson could reply, Excalibur had practically leaped at Mary.

"Allow me to dry you my lady!"

He was stopped by Irene, who smacked him once again with her umbrella and then proceeded to beat him with it, while Mary looked absolutely horrified.

"Leave. Her. Alone. You. Little. Pervert!" she shouted with each whack.

"That's it! We've got to get him out of here! NOW!" Watson shouted.

"I think I may have an idea old boy," said Holmes with a grin.

* * *

**I find that umbrellas make the best weapons…**


End file.
